I had no idea it felt like this!

What an 8-Day Absence Reveals About the Mental Load of Parenting

The holiday season is often described as the most wonderful time of the year. Yet, for many families, festive joy can quickly turn into exhaustion as the reality of who carries the mental load can sometimes go underestimated or unnoticed—until someone steps away.

A father shared his “solo-parenting” experience in a recent article on Upworthy. He sheds light on an often invisible yet great aspect of family dynamics: the mental load many mothers bear in keeping a household running.

He narrated that his wife left for an 8-day trip, and he thought he understood what being an equal partner in parenting is, till he was left to bear the load for 8 days. After all, he was no stranger to diaper changes, bedtime routines, school runs, or meal preparation. Of course! What more could be missing? He thought within himself. Shortly, his wife travelled for visitation and he was faced with the subtleties of her behind-the-scenes efforts. He became more than exhausted.

As we head into the holiday season, let’s discuss what this story teaches us about parenting, the mental load, and how families can work together for evenly shared fun during Christmas vacations and trips.

What’s More Than Physical Tasks?

Have you ever been thinking about a trip while lying on the bed yet felt drained from the mental gymnastics you just underwent in the decision-making- leaving you feeling exhausted before you even began? Yes! That is “mental load”. “Mental load” is the cognitive and emotional labour involved in tasks like managing a household and raising children.

Chores are just the tip of the iceberg—they involve anticipating, planning, organizing, remembering, re-organizing, and so on.

For example:

• Who remembers to pack the baby's favourite toy for the holiday to grandma?

• Who ensures the trip to the village is planned down to the smallest detail?

• Who plans outings and selects the right attire for any weather while ensuring each child matching accessories to outfits is well selected and making sure nothing is left behind??

• Who organizes how the day should go and makes decisions on the spot when needed?

• Who ensures the child's best friend is given the right Christmas gift as there is an indirect impact on their child?

• Who packs the medications just in case an unexpected happens—like an upset stomach or allergy?

• Who stocks up on food, considering everyone’s dietary needs?

This mental work seems too underrated or invisible, yet it directly impacts a child’s sense of security, structure, and emotional well-being.

Impact of Mental Load on Children

When one parent disproportionately carries the mental load, it can lead to burnout, irritability, and even health issues like chronic stress or fatigue. A burned-out parent may have less patience, fewer shared moments, and more conflict at home—all of which directly affect the holiday experiences of the family. Conversely, when both parents actively share this responsibility, children benefit from:

1. Balanced emotional energy: Both parents are more present and engaged to enjoy the festive season.

   
   

2. A model of teamwork: Children observe and learn about collaboration and shared responsibilities are key to making things work and creating beautiful memories.

   
   

3. Stability and security: A well-functioning family dynamic raises and encourages healthy child development.

   
   

Practical Steps for Sharing the Mental Load of the Holiday Season

If this story shared above resonates with you, remember that in a more balanced and supportive environment, parents often engage in recognizing, assigning, and redistributing mental load, families leading to both parents and children flourishing.

Here are three actionable ways to ensure a balanced partnership in parenting during the festive period:

1. Communicate Clearly

Talk openly about the holiday plans and other unseen tasks you handle. A shared calendar or to-do list can help make invisible responsibilities visible like Who’s decorating the tree? Your partner may not know till you talk openly about your feelings per time to avoid resentment of burnout. You can also assign age-appropriate tasks like packing their toys or cleaning the table to your children.

2. Assign, Divide, and Rotate Tasks

Parenting doesn’t have to be perfectly equal all the time, but recognizing the invisible work—and sharing it—goes a long way in creating harmony at home. Therefore, assign holiday tasks so that no one person becomes the “default organizer.” Divide responsibilities in such a way that each parent takes ownership of specific tasks. You can rotate them periodically to help create an understanding of each other’s contributions.

3. Check In Regularly

Schedule weekly or monthly check-ins to discuss how things are going. This ensures adjustments can be made to avoid burnout or feelings of inequity in the care of their children.

4.      Be Flexible

Things don't always go as planned during trips or holidays, so approach changes with patience and humour. Remember, it's the moments you share, not the perfection, that matters.

5.      Rest and Recharge

Take turns supervising the kids or handling tasks so each partner gets downtime to rest and recharge. Even 30 minutes of quiet can go a long way in recharging for festive fun.

Conclusions

The joy of Christmas doesn’t lie in one parent carrying the burden while the rest enjoy the benefits—it lies in shared moments and collective effort, ensuring that the magic of the season is truly felt by everyone. Children learn from what they see, and when both parents actively share physical, emotional, and mental responsibilities, they grow up with a healthy model of teamwork. This father’s experience is a reminder that parenting isn’t just about showing up physically—it’s about showing up mentally and vice versa for the mother’s experience too. So this year, let’s rewrite the holiday story. Spread the tasks, share the laughter, and enjoy the fun embedded in the Christmas and vacation season. After all, parenting and carving a fun-filled holiday is a team sport! 

From all of us at Nurture-CDC, we wish you a joyful holiday season filled with love, joy, teamwork, and unforgettable moments. Happy Holidays!

References

Upworthy. (2024.). Dad shares what he learned about wife’s mental load after she left for 8 days. Upworthy. Retrieved December 15, 2024, from https://www.upworthy.com/dad-shares-what-he-learned-about-wifes-mental-load-after-she-left-for-8-days